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          欢迎访问海豚文章网
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          真正高情商的人,是怎么拒绝别人的?

          时间: 2019-04-16 | 作者:甜阁下 | 来源: 海豚文章网 | 编辑: admin | 阅读:

            点击音频,即可聆听

            本期主播 | 杨枪枪

            上个月,一个很久不见的朋友,突然在微信上找到我,想让我加入她正在兼职的一个项目,还邀请我下班后,一起听相关的线下讲座。

            其实,我对那个行业并不感兴趣,但又怕直接拒绝不好,就委婉地说:我最近下班,要去健身房,过一阵子再说吧!

            她先是问我健身课能否调开,我说约好的,不方便改了。之后,又把周末的课推给我,我都含糊其词地推开了。

            有次逛街,碰巧遇见她,她热情地拥抱了我,又开始预约我的听课时间。我这才把自己不感兴趣的想法和她说明?;丶液?,发现她把我的微信删除了。

            这件事,让我苦恼好一阵,我本以为不直接拒绝是想给她面子,没想到换来的,却是她的失望,还有我们友谊的崩盘。

            一个月以来,我们的聊天记录都围绕这件事展开,现在看来,彼此浪费不少精力,如果当初我直接表明拒绝,或许对双方来说,都是很好的交代。

            01.

            委婉拒绝,会给双方带来困扰

            朋友小艾也和我说了类似的一件事。她和小月在一次聚会上认识,彼此聊得来,就互相加了好友。

            有一天,小艾突然接到小月的电话,小月泣不成声,说是失恋了,特别需要有一个人倾听她的痛苦。小艾赶紧放下手头的工作,去陪伴了小月。

            后来,小月每次情绪变坏的时候,就给小艾打电话,不管小艾是不是有事,有没有在休息。每次的通话时间都长达一个小时,小艾渐渐发现自己的情绪变得烦躁不安。

            但害怕小月生气,或觉得自己不近人情,就没有直接说出真实想法。而是用委婉的方式来拒绝她。

            比如,看到她的电话号码不接,等她再拨第二次的时候才接。或者索性不接,等她问时,就说出门没带手机。

            终于,小月没有再打电话过来,可小艾无意中看到一条微博,却在抱怨她冷漠自私,不可交。小艾觉得很难过,没想到会伤害对方的信任。

            很多时候,为了保全彼此的面子,不破坏关系的和谐,我们常常宁可让别人误解自己,也不敢表达出自己真实的想法;哪怕让自己的利益受到了损失,也不敢直接拒绝别人不合理的要求。

            而委婉拒绝,看上去是与人为善,实际上对人际关系会有负面影响。

            一是对自己的时间和精力是不负责任地消耗,本来可以一口气回绝的要求,由于你的态度委婉,反而压抑了自己的情绪,造成关系的紧张。

            二是造成别人对自己信任的损伤,虽然你想要给对方留面子,但是没法坚持到底的时候,就会给别人留下你这个人很不靠谱的印象,这是得不偿失的。

            三是模糊两可的说辞,你会左右为难,给对方也带来困扰。

            02.

            干脆拒绝,没有想象中糟

            我们之所以会选择委婉拒绝,其实是过度依赖于别人对自己的看法,害怕失去别人的信任,承受不了想象中别人的指责,才在表达“不”的时候,有很多扭曲的伪装,让别人没法看懂。

            也就是说,我们自己害怕被别人拒绝,于是在拒绝别人的时候,不想让别人体会到恐惧不安,所以才用委婉拒绝的方式,去讨好对方,好给彼此留个台阶下。

            事实是,别人可能没有你想象中脆弱,直接拒绝别人不代表一定会给对方添堵,真正的朋友不会因为你的回绝而离开你。

            想要打破自己内在的恐惧,你要认识到:

            一是你和别人是独立的个体,各自为自己的言行负责。讨好别人,只会模糊边界,并不会增加别人对你的理解。

            二是要看到,委婉地拒绝别人,出发点是好的,效果并不好。正因为你迟迟不肯给别人肯定的答案,一直拖延,才会造成不想要的局面。

            三是不要迷信委婉的技巧,说“不”并不需要去精心考虑话术,绕圈子反而让人反感,拒绝要果断,做到“温和而坚定”,不拖泥带水,才是真正为自己和别人负责。

            其实有时候,直接拒绝别人的后果,并不是自己想象中的那么不可接受。

            小泉的职业是英语老师,平时工作很忙,她养成了做任何事都干脆利落的风格。

            有一次,她的一个学生家长,拿了一份全英文的资料过来,拜托她给翻译一下,没有提到酬劳。

            小泉认为自己不该帮这样的忙,就对这位家长直言不讳:“我无法帮你做这个翻译,因为我的时间安排不了,精力也有限。你最好能够找专业的翻译,给他们付费,他们会给你满意的翻译成果?!?/p>

            实际上,被小泉拒绝的家长,第二天就发了短消息给她,说自己不好意思,鲁莽地找她办事,给她造成不便,并且按她的建议,已经找了专业人员来帮助解决问题了。

            可见,干脆的态度,会省去很多不必要的精力。

            当你不去说模棱两可的话,才能杜绝别人歪曲你真正意图的可能性。从而避免对方过多的期待,节约双方的时间。不纠缠,有界限,懂拒绝,为自己找回更多的舒适。

            对方也会清晰地认识到你的想法和边界,主动和你保持一个有效的人际距离。把选择的权利还给对方,让他在你之外,寻找更合适帮忙的人,这才是有建设性的交往态度,更有利于关系和谐。

            只有勇敢地说“不”,你才有机会建立健康、科学的人际关系。

            -end-

            作者:甜阁下

            北大心理学专业,知乎最具人文思想的心理咨询师,中国白丝带志愿者,咨询领域:婚姻家庭、婚外情、个人困惑、性心理、家庭暴力。个人公众号:t,知乎ID:甜阁下。

            主播 | 杨枪枪,电视台主持人,公众号:小杨说事儿

            今日话题

            亲爱的朋友,不会“干脆拒绝”,曾给你带来过什么困扰吗?

            欢迎在下方留言,跟我们分享你的想法和故事。喜欢,就点个“好看”吧~

          文章标题: 真正高情商的人,是怎么拒绝别人的?
          文章地址: http://www.xbtdc.com/article-95-183319-0.html
          文章标签:的人  正高  是怎么
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